Family Relationships

One of the first scriptures in the Old Testament regarding family relationships is found in Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man should leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.  To cleave means to be devoted, attached or faithful and to remain steadfast.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton a member of the quorum of the twelve Apostles clarified the meaning of this scripture as it relates to newly married couples:  He said, “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength …. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

The relationship with in-laws and extended family can be such a blessing and a strength to a marriage but it can also cause a lot of stress or heartache if certain boundaries and respect are not present. 

"Parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly."  I really liked this quote by James Harper and Susanne Olsen.  Their article on creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended family is very informative.  It gave good points on what newly married couples and their families can do to help that new couple have their own identity and the parents and in-laws step into their new roles.  The in-laws or parents can help encourage the couple to create their own identity and help set healthy boundaries so that the couple learns to depend on each other and draw closer.  If they live close or the parents or in-laws are intrusive on their relationship this won’t happen.  This is an important time to add to the foundation of their relationship and will set the grounds for how their relationship will grow in the future.   These relationships can be so beneficial to everyone involved if set with respect and boundaries.  If these relationships are broken or unhealthy, they can cause a lot of stress and heartache. 

In my own marriage one of the things that helped me and my husband develop our own couple identity was moving out of state for our jobs.  This forced us to set these boundaries.  We missed out on many opportunities to be with family so we had to make sure we took the moments when we could.  Living away is hard at times for many reasons, but as I look back I see all the growth we both have had, the closeness we have obtained, and how we have networked ourselves to make friends that are like family.    I am fortunate to have wonderful parents and in-laws.  While dating I made sure that I met and spent time with my husband's family and that he spent time with mine.  Spending time with his family and being in the town and the home that he grew up in helped me to understand him better.  I saw how he treated his parents and siblings and heard of how his childhood was.  This helped us talk a lot about our growing up years and also to talk about how we would like to run our home in the future.  I know many people who don't get along with one or both sides of their families.  This creates negative feelings and a lot of stress.  It can create a wedge in the marriage if both have different points of view or desires for involving their families in their lives.  I feel very blessed to have two families and all the siblings and their spouses and nieces and nephews that are a part of my life.  I feel like they have enriched it with their examples, their love and support and their prayers.  A couple of times I drove my kids up to Canada to see their grandparents and cousins that are on my husband's side of the family by myself, because my husband couldn't get the time off during the summer.  Many people were very perplexed by this.  They were surprised to find out that I like my in-laws and that I felt comfortable going without my husband.  I told them that having a relationship and the influence of both sets of grandparents is very important and so I would do whatever I could to make sure that they had these opportunities.  Harper said this in summary at the end of the article, "Parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one. The good news is that when parents-in-law understand inclusion and exclusion issues, the necessity of monitoring and managing their need for control, the loyalty tugs, and the importance of helping a new couple establish a solid marriage boundary, in-law relationships are improved."  I feel like both my parents and in-laws have done a great job in these areas.  I know there were areas that we had to work on at first to help us all with our new roles and there are a few things that can improved on, but I feel very positive about where our relationship is and where it is going.   One thing that has helped me develop a deeper relationship with both sets of parents is spending time with them and showing them gratitude for all they have done and for the examples they are to me and my familiy.  I appreciate their advice and all the experiences that they share with me.  I love learning from each of them.  They are a strength to me. 

Parenthood

There is much joy when a new child is brought into a family.  With that joy there is hardship, tears, worry, lessons to be learned and many fun times in between.  Children change relationships, some for the better and some it creates more of a challenge.  This article from Richard Miller gave us some great advice to help us make sure our relationship stays strong and avoids certain stresses. Here is the link to read it. https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/414034-Online.2018.Spring.FAML300.01/Course%20Files/Rick%20Miller-Power.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=NuMwetSCKBN9N8K1RA9iA1tfC&ou=414034  

The first thing he mentioned was, parents are the leaders in the family.  Miller cautioned us that this doesn't mean that parents should be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial but should set standards and guidelines and follow through with discipline to help teach the child.  I think a great leader is not afraid to work along side with those who they have stewardship over.  They show direction and lead by example.  Children mimic certain behaviors and how we talk to them and how we treat them will have bigger impacts on these relationships.  Too many parents are letting their kids rule the family and think they are giving their kids all kinds of freedom or they want to be their friend instead of a parent. This creates many problems especially in the future.  The second one was that parents need to be united in their leadership.  This one is crucial because children like to test their limits and if you are not united, they could cause a wedge in your marriage.  It is important to show that respect and unity as a couple to your children so they know their boundaries and are less confused on what is expected of them.  I liked how M. Russell Ballard told of how the brethren reach a decisions.  I think we can do this as parents, take the time to talk about your point of view and come out united in a decision.  I have seen this far too often when both parents have their own style of parenting and the child is confused or can get away with so many things because of the differences.  Usually it ends with a child that gets everything they want and they don't have respect for the authority in the home of one or both parents.  The third thing Miller talked about is how the hierarchy of parent-child dissolves when those children become adults.  This is probably the hardest thing to do once your kids are full grown because the worry and desire for their well being will never go away as a parent.  Your role changes but it still can be a wonderful relationship.  The last thing he mentioned, is that marriage is a partnership.  That both husband and wife are a team and equal partners.  Even though some of their responsibilities are different they function as equal.  I think if the relationship has this viewpoint of being equals and that both have their roles that compliment each other, then the relationship has more chance for success.  This attitude also will help the children raised in the home to see how a marriage should be and they are more likely to follow what examples have been shown unto them. 

I know in my own marriage, we accept each other's different roles and responsibilities but we are not afraid to help each other out.  We have learned how to be united when parenting and are still making adjustments as our kids grow older and new situations arise.  Our kids know that we are on the same page and are less likely to try to pit us against each other to get their way.  It is not easy sometimes but if you have this goal before heading into parenthood you will be better prepared and in turn have more success in parenthood.     

Being completely Faithful in Marriage

A few things were brought to my attention and awareness this week as I was studying. There are many different issues and problems that can destroy a marriage.  I thought that the way Professor Matheson (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng) pointed out how small innocent things with a friend or coworker of the opposite sex can lead us down the path to being unfaithful to our spouse was spot on.  Just like Jane in his story didn't even see what was happening, I think his words could help others who may be headed down this path.  It would help them see the true nature of Satan and how sneaky he is.   I have seen this happen in a few people's lives.  It started as something small and it seemed so innocent and non-threatening at first, but it grew until it destroyed not only one relationship but two.  Satan knows our weaknesses and knows us personally and what would makes us respond.   He wants us to be miserable like he is and he will stop at nothing to destroy our happiness.  I am glad that I had great parents and leaders in my life that taught me to avoid "all appearance of evil" and to not put myself in these situations.   

The next article that hit home for me was the report on pornography.  This evil has affected people that I love.  It has destroyed marriages, affected the children in these relationships as well.  The one that is the hardest to see if that of my husband's sister and our brother in law.  They have been married longer than us.  They struggled to have children for many years and eventually with some help had a son.  Three years later they had triplets.  A year after the triplets were born things started to go down hill with their relationship and eventually he moved out and she has been raising these kids by herself ever since.  Long story short, my sister in law allows him to be apart of the kids' life but each year it gets less and less because of his choices.   The biggest problem (there were many) was his addiction to pornography.  We came to find out he had been dealing with this for a long time and my sister in law was really good at hiding this from everyone.  They are still in the process of getting a divorce because he doesn't see a problem with his addiction.  It is so sad to watch.  She is so strong and while we were talking one time, I asked her how is has the strength to keep going each day.  She told me that the Savior and the Atonement is the only thing that has helped her, along with supportive family and friends.  She said her relationship with the Savior has grown while she has been going through this tough trial.  She is determined to teach her kids about the dangers of pornography so that they will not fall into the same trap as their dad.  It has helped us as a extended family to realize this evil and that we need to teach our kids and empower them to know what it is, what they can do to prevent seeing it or what to do if they do get exposed.  She found a wonderful organization protectyoungminds.org that teaches you how to talk to your kids at any age.  They have a book to help teach and talk to your kids about pornography.  It is called "Good Pictures, Bad Pictures," by  Kristen Jenson and Gail Poyner.   We read this as a family my kids ranging from  age 14 down to 6 and this book helped them all understand in terms that were age appropriate.  It helps them understand how their feeling brain and their thinking brain work together.  It explained what addiction was and how it tricks our brains to believe lies about sexuality and relationships.  I thought it was a great resource and teaching tool.  I feel like it has opened up the communication in our family about this tough subject.   I feel like the world views this issue as normal and that its just a phase, or its just curiosity.  They don't see it as a problem at all.  They don't see the damaging affects it has on relationships and families.   I was grateful for the State of the Nation report research, showing the affects of pornography in marriage because I think if we don't help the world see what damage it can do then those numbers are likely to increase.  The numbers and statistics that they mentioned about it increasing were far worse than I could ever imagine.   There are so many things that are affected by this problem, including the children and society as a whole.  They listed many effects that are potential problems for shaping sexual development as well as future marital and familial relationships.  I am grateful for leaders of the church that are not afraid to address these "secret sins" and to give us warnings and instructions on how to safeguard ourselves and our marriages and our families.  I know if we listen to the prophets voice, learn from the scriptures and do the daily things that will keep us worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost, we will be able to safeguard ourselves, our marriages and our families.  It is when we let go of the rod or drift towards the great and spacious building that we leave ourselves exposed and unprotected from the fiery darts of the adversary.  

There was a lot of great information in this weeks reading.  One thing that impacted me in a positive way was while reading in H. Wallace Goddard's conclusion, when he described his experience as a bishop.  A woman in his ward came to him seeking help with her life.  She had had many problems and tragedies in her life.  At this point in his life he had resisted the possibility of God being able to help him become like God.  He only thought he could do that for others.  This experience changed his views and understanding that God can do this for any one of us.  After the woman had told him of all the past and present problems in her life, she asked what can she do?  He had no answers but the Holy Ghost brought a clear message to his mind to relay to the woman.  There were three things that she need to start with.  This gave her such hope.  Once she left he told of his experience.  He said, "I closed the door behind her and fell to my knees. "Lord, I didn't know.  I just didn't know how much you love your children.  I had no idea you could make something fine out of the mass of confusion that is our lives.  I didn't know."  This experince helped him see the true love that our Father in Heaven has for each of us, even for him.

Do we really see ourselves and others as our Heavenly Father and Savior do?  Do we feel hopeful about the gift our Father has given us out of love, to help us return to Him and ultimately become like Him?  For me I know these things but, I wonder if I always believe this deep in my heart, especially when I have messed up and I can't see a way to repair the damage done or when I feel unworthy of this love.    I have a desire to know this to my very core without a doubt.   I have a desire to see others as our Father see them.  I know this is the only way to obtain true charity in our hearts.  I am going to take Goddard's challenge to try to truly come unto Christ and be perfected in Him.  To obtain true charity towards all mankind.  This should start in the home to those who I love the most.  

As a youth I found a scripture in D&C that has helped me get through a lot of hard times and that kept me looking up and on the bright side no matter how bleak the moment looked.   Goddard quoted this exact scripture in the previous chapter on Consecration.  The scripture is in D&C 78:17-19. It reads, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.  And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more."  

We should be cheerful at the thought that our Father loves us so much and has provided us a way to become like Him.  The Atonement is real and as I learn more and apply it to my life I realize how intricate this gift truly is and how much love is behind it.   What scriptures have helped you in your life? 

Managing Conflicts in our Marriage

The reading this week has been very helpful in viewing any problems in my marriage and has helped me to determine if  they are solvable or if we are going to have to learn to live with them forever.  It gave me some new insights on how I can tell the difference and how I should approach each type of problem.  After reading the chapter on consecration in Wallace Goddard's book titled "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", I realized that I have a long way to go and many areas I need to work on.  I think this starts by truly relying on the Lord and allowing the Atonement to change me and my views.  I think one area I can work on is anger.  A conference talk by Elder Lynn G. Robbins titled "Agency and Anger" Here is the link to read this talk.  https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/414034-Online.2018.Spring.FAML300.01/Course%20Files/Agency%20and%20Anger.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=oywo04Q4tyGDFf1dxY5eopdB2&ou=414034

 I think the world today teaches us that it is okay to be angry and to hold grudges against those who hurt us.  That we are justified in these actions and that it is the other person's problem.  I know I have lost control to anger in my life.  In my experience nothing good ever comes from anger.  You end up hurting others around you and ultimately yourself.  I realized as a youth I would get so angry so fast after I had let many things build up.   Once something broke the lid, everything came out and I didn't understand a healthy way to deal with all the hurt and anger inside of me.  There was a moment where I realized I had a problem.  I asked for my Father in Heaven's help.  It took some time but I was able to keep my anger in check even though I still didn't know how to deal with all of the emotions I experienced in life.  It was after I had children, when they were old enough to talk back or be defiant that it showed up again.  I don't like the person I turn into when I am angry and feel regret immediately for losing my temper.  This is an area I have been trying to work on so that my kids remember me as the happy person I am most of the time and not the "mean mom" as I call my angry side.  I want to show them healthy ways to deal with emotions.  As I was reading Elder Robbins talk it reminded me that it is a choice I make to allow anger to enter my life.  He said that this is part of Satan's cunning plan to make us think we have no control over anger and that we are victims of this emotion.  Elder Robbins continues saying "He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers."

“Can ye be angry, and not sin?” The Lord is very clear on this issue: “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:29–30)".

I realized that I need to work harder on remembering I have a choice on how I react and if I allow anger to enter my life.  I know life isn't fair and there are times when things don't go our way or others are mean or rude to us, but I set a goal to remember I have a choice.  I am in control of my emotions and not the other way around.  I have seen anger and pride ruin some relationships lately and it just breaks my heart when those affected feel justified to being angry and not allowing the forgiveness or humility to enter their hearts.  

Beware of Pride

Chapter 7 of John Gottmans' book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", it talks a lot about letting your spouse influence you.  After reading this, it made a lot of sense to me.  If that spouse doesn't feel like their thoughts, feeling or even ideas matter in their relationship they might stop trying and close themselves off.  There can be no growth and what they might of had in the beginning of the relationship dwindles because it isn't being nourished.  Just like a muscle starts to shrink if not used so does the relationship.   With this I can see how abuse in all forms can happen.  I have read the talk by President Benson before but it was really good to read it again especially with a new perspective on applying it to our marriages.You can read the whole things here  https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/414034-Online.2018.Spring.FAML300.01/Course%20Files/Benson-Pride.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=oywo04Q4tyGDFf1dxY5eopdB2&ou=414034
 He said we have pride when "our will is in competition with God's will.  This allows desires, and passions to go unbridled."  He goes on to say "The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives.  They pit their perceptions of truth against God's great knowledge, their abilities verses God's priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works."  This part hit home for me.  Over the last year I have seen many friends and acquaintances I know fall into this trap called pride.  Whether it was rebellion, being easily offended or hard hearted, they all have questioned what they have know for many years about their belief in the church and also about God.  It is sad to see them let go of the rod of iron and head towards the great and spacious building.  These are people who in the past were rock solid in their testimonies and in their faith in Jesus Christ.  Unfortunately, most of them started to listen to the world and allowed Satan's craftiness into their lives.  Benson mentioned, "The proud aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's".  So many have been caught up in this me mindset.  They say to themselves, I need to be true to myself so I will do things my own way.  They start picking and choosing what parts of the gospel they will adhere to, or they leave the church all together.  They receive praise from the world telling them how strong they are and it just adds fuel to their new path.    They come to care more about what people think, than what God thinks.  It truly breaks my heart, Satan has done such a good job on confusing people on what is truly important and what this earth life is all about.  Satan lies to us  and tells us that we don't need to have a change of heart or even grow and learn to become more like our Father in Heaven because we are fine how we are.  He wants us to forget what was promised to us, that if we follow our Savior and repent, and try to be more like Him, we can have eternal life.    From my youth I remember a story about a frog.  If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water it will immediately jump out because it recognizes the dangers.  If you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly heat the water up to boiling, the frog gets use to the changing temperature and eventually will boil to death.  This is how Satan works his crafty tools of pride.  He adds a little at at time and the world gets used to it and then he adds more.  People start keeping their schedules so busy with things that the world says we need to do, that they stop doing the small and simple things that invite the Holy Ghost to guide and protect us on a daily basis.  When we don't have the spirit it is a lot easier to let go of the rod and get distracted by the great and spacious building.  The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.   Wallace Goddard's chapter on repentance and humility is the key to overcoming pride.  It can be done and I love the examples he gave of people in the scriptures that have overcome pride and humbled themselves before God.  This causes me to reflect on my own life and the different areas where I can improve, where I can humble myself, repent and ask for help from my Father in Heaven.  

Staying Emotionally Connected with your Loved One

  One thing that stood out to me as I was reading in H. Wallace Goddard's book "Drawing Marriage Into Your Marriage", in the 3rd chapter titled "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ", was when he said "Satan knows that faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His redemptiveness are enemies to his cause.  Satan's best hope is to keep us from looking up.  He must keep us fully absorbed with the trivial, fretting over our inconveniences and stewing over our grievances".  He does this in our daily lives with our devices and technology.  Everything is so instantaneous and the world's "its all about me" mentality are some of the Satan's greatest tools to destroying marriages and family.  When we are selfish we can't have charity or compassion for others because we don't even think about them.  This draws us away from Jesus Christ and creates room for Satan to move on in with all of his cunning tools.  John Gottman mentioned technology and how we are a very distracted people.  When we are distracted and are used to interruptions we don't give people our whole undivided attention.  This makes it hard to turn towards our spouses in different ways.  One way is that if we are not focused on them, we might miss a bid for attention or miss when our partner is trying to turn towards us. Another way is that we miss opportunities to turn towards our spouse to show them our love and appreciation.  Most of the time couples ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.  Gottman said that most of the "arguments between couples were not about specific topics like money or sex, but resulted from those failed bids for connection.  Each time partners turn towards each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account.  They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced with a major life stress or conflict".  When we have added to our emotional account each day most of the time these big stressful events or trials won't shake our relationship.  This takes awareness on our part.  We need to be more in tune to our spouse so we can catch the bids of attention or opportunities to turn towards our spouse.   This might take us changing our perspective and not being distracted.  We can do this by small ways each day by thinking of them and what ways we can turn towards them and show them our love and appreciation.  Another way is by putting the Lord first and have an eternal perspective.  This will help our views of our relationship and spouse change.  Our priorities change as well to reflect that view.  Goddard mentioned that "when we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different."  I know that because I have the knowledge of the plan of Salvation and because of the covenants I have made in the House of the Lord my perspective, my goals and my focus are different.  This knowledge gives me hope that my spouse and I can overcome anything that comes our way, only if we have the Lord as our partner and seek His guidance.  Goddard also said "The gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to lift our vision from our own petty and relentless wants to something nobler.  "Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God." (D&C 82:19)  If we were more focused on others, we would be less selfish and more love and kindness would abound in this world.  Goddard said that "it is a matter of replacing irritations with compassion and charity; replacing accusations with humility; replacing frustration with invitation.  When we change our attitude or focus we allow our hearts to be softened and we can obtain the pure love of Christ for our spouse, our family or those around us.  We will see more clearly how the Lord sees us and we will be reminded of the bigger picture of this wonderful plan.  

Cherishing your Spouse

When I read this passage from Elder Henry B. Eyring's talk titled, "Our Perfect Example", it really summed it up for me.  He said, "Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves.  That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love. The ideal God holds for us is to form families in the way most likely to lead to happiness and away from sorrow. A man and a woman are to make sacred covenants that they will put the welfare and happiness of the other at the center of their lives. Children are to be born into a family where the parents hold the needs of children equal to their own in importance. And children are to love parents and each other."

Elder Eyring described this kind of love that his dad showed his mom during the last part of her life.  He said "I saw this in my parents' marriage. In my mother's final illness, the more uncomfortable she became, the more giving her comfort became the dominant intent of my father's life.  He asked that the hospital set up a bed in her room.  He was determined to be there to be sure that she wanted for nothing.  He walked the miles to work each morning and back to her side at night through those difficult times for her.  I believe it was a gift from God to him that his power to love grew when it mattered so much to her.  I think he was doing what Jesus would have done out of love".  

This week as I was reading chapter 4 & 5 in  John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," I learned a lot about enhancing your love map and how to nurture your fondness and admiration towards your spouse.  There were a lot of questions that you could answer to see how strong your love map is with your spouse and he gave ideas to help strengthen that map.  Included was a game that you could play to see how much you know about your spouse.  This creates an opportunity to learn more about your partner.  In chapter 5 it gave a detailed calendar of what you can do to increase your admiration and fondness for your spouse.  This gave me a lot to reflect on and to figure out the areas where I can improve on.  I feel like my husband and I have a pretty solid love map but there are always areas that we can improve on or add to.  One of the struggles in our marriage is when our kids were little and demanded much of our time, energy and money, we would have a fall back on just staying at home watching something as our dates.  We weren't taking the time to talk and to really date each other.  It is not that we didn't want to but we were both so tired and exhausted at the end of the day.  We would have more arguments because we weren't communicating about what we were feeling or what we might need from each other.  One night I remember we finally took the time to talk to see where we could improve and add variety to our monotonous schedule and rut of dating.  We decided that we missed going out and spending time talking and laughing together.  We made a plan to try to go on real dates more often.  We swapped babysitting so we could attend the temple more often.  For Christmas that year he surprised me with season tickets to our Philharmonic.  It was the perfect thing for us.  For 5 months there was a date on the calendar with a  planned outing.  We looked forward to these nights.  We budgeted for a babysitter and dinner and looked forward to that time to spend together.  We put time into looking nice and getting dressed up for this event.   This small thing helped remind us that we still needed to date each other and to strengthen our relationship if we were to strengthen our family.  To provide a good loving environment for our children and to show them that this is important to keep dating in a marriage.   We have done so much better since that moment.  Life does get busy and sometimes we have to have our date nights at home but we try to do things that will help us nourish our friendship.  I think it has also helped us to look for small ways to show that love and appreciation on a daily basis.  This is true love when we put our spouse's needs and welfare before our own.  As I look back at any argument or fight almost all are from one or both of us being selfish.   We can trace many problems in the world back to selfishness.  That is the natural man, when we only are focused on ourselves.   We need to be more like our Savior Jesus Christ and be selfless and looking for ways to serve and lift others.  Jesus Christ ministered to all those who he came into contact with and each encounter was tailored to that person as an individual.  He did this out of love.  We can follow His example.  We can start by ministering to our spouse first. 

  Here is the link for Elder Eyring's talk  https://web.byui.edu/Services/Login/?RedirectURL=http://www.byui.edu/videoplayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=256%26EndCue=522%26VideoName=2009_10_GenConf_Eyring_perfect%26VideoType=lectures

Behaviors that negatively affect marriage

Before this week I really thought the key to a happy marriage was communication and our ability to work out any problems that might arise.  I was totally wrong according to John Gottman in his book titled "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work".  As I was reading, he talked a lot about friendship and how having a strong friendship was the key to making marriage last.   To me, this makes sense.  If you are good friends you would have already established good communication and the ability to work out differences.  These attributes are a result of a deep friendship.  I knew dating that I wanted to marry my best friend because if I married for looks or circumstances alone, things wouldn't work out so well because everyone knows looks fade and circumstance can change.  Marriage needs to be founded on something deeper, and that is friendship.  Reading his findings from years of research and studying other couples, I realized that I set myself up for a higher chance of a successful marriage, just by marrying my best friend.  As Gottman was describing all the different signs of how we can react to conflict or problems in our marriage.  He talked about the first sign as a harsh start ups where your conversation goes from 0-180 in no time flat.  This will set you up for failure to work out problems.  The second sign is the four horsemen.  The four areas are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and the last one is stonewalling. Criticism usually contains the following statements in the conversation; "you always" or "you never".  You are making it all their fault.  Contempt is when you have a sense of superiority over your partner.  You are putting them down and showing signs of disrespect.  The next one was defensiveness and I think you know exactly what this means.  We feel like we are being attacked and put ourselves on the defensive to protect ourselves.  The last one is Stonewalling where they just shut down completely.  They won't look at you or respond.  They have checked out.   The third sign that Gottman mentions in his book is flooding.  This is when you become physically overwhelmed and feeling defenseless.  The last stage is body language.  Your body goes into overdrive and you can have increased pulse rate and sweating.  You show signs of physical stress.  
I saw a few areas where I can improve or change my point of view or change how I simply respond.  It also helped me see that we are doing well in certain areas or brought to my attention our little quirks that help us deal with stress.  A little background on our relationship.  We met each other in our Paramedic class at Ricks College and we were in class all day, with 20 + credits.  When we weren't in class we were picking up shifts at the ER or riding along with the ambulance.  We practically lived at the school and at the hospital.  We were with our classmates almost 20 hours a day.  Our dates consisted of studying for a test or picking up ER shifts together.  On our internship and during the extra semester we attended, we were able to do more traditional dating.  Through this year and half we saw each other at our best and at our worst.  We learned how different we both are from each other.   We really got to see everything that made us who we are.  We had to deal with conflict and overcome hard times.  We enjoyed many happy moments and experienced situations that strengthened our bond.  I know that if we had gotten married quickly after we met our marriage would not have lasted.  We needed that time to get to know each other and develop a strong lasting friendship first.  Timing was everything and the Lord knew we would need this time and to have these experiences together so that we could have the best chance of having a lasting marriage relationship.  Looking back going through all of these experiences have helped us keep nourishing what is most important in our lives.   We know we will have to continue to work hard each and everyday to defend what is important to us.  I know that we can do this if we put the Lord as the center of our lives and apply the atonement everyday.  I think H. Wallace Goddard hit the nail on the head talking about the Atonement and living a Christ centered life as the key to a happy marriage, in his book titled, "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  Just like we want to be best friends with our spouse we also should strive to have that same deep and close relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ.  When we have that relationship we will become more like him and feel connected to Him through the Holy Ghost on a daily basis.

Eternal Marriage

  While I was reading Ezra Taft Benson’s talk, "What I Hope You Will Teach Your Children About The Temple", I learned something new.  I have read the 107^th section of the Doctrine and Covenants before, but I guess I never really gave it much thought.  The great event that took place 3 years prior to Adam’s death in Adam-ondi-Ahman, helped me learn about the nature of this beautiful place and that most of us as members of the Church of Jesus Christ, have the same desire for our family to enjoy the blessings of the temple as did Adam.  I guess I never really understood how Adam-ondi-Ahman got its name, or never took the time to find out.  My internship as a paramedic was done in Kansas City, Missouri.  My classmates that were there as well, and I, took the opportunity to go see all of the church history sites nearby.  The day that my classmates went to see Adam-ondi-Ahman, I had to work and missed this opportunity.  When they got back they said it was beautiful, but that I didn’t miss much because there was nothing there.   That may have been true about no building or monument being there, but I wonder if they had known the history and what had taken place there, if they would have felt differently about this sacred place.  I hope someday I can return and visit Adam-ondi-Ahman with the new understanding of what took place there. 

 President Benson said, “Adam wanted all of his posterity to enjoy these blessing and to brought before the presence of the Lord.”  This can only be done in the House of the Lord.   We are blessed to have the all the Priesthood keys restored on the earth, in these latter-days.  We all have the opportunity to obtain the blessings of the Temple.  President Benson taught, “In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; “And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; “And if he does not, he cannot obtain it. “He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.” (D&C 131:1–4) When our children obey the Lord and go to the temple to receive their blessings and enter into the marriage covenant, they enter into the same order of the priesthood that God instituted in the very beginning with father Adam. This order entitles them to the same blessings of Abraham, of whom the Lord said that he “hath entered into his exaltation and sitteth upon his throne.” (D&C 132:29.) Then He significantly added: “This promise is yours also, because ye are of Abraham.” (D&C 132:31.) So again I emphasize: This order of priesthood can only be entered into when we comply with all the commandments of God and seek the blessings of the fathers as did Abraham by going to our Father’s house. They are received in no other place on this earth!”

 This is why marriage in the Temple is so important in being able to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father.   President Benson gave a great history of how this priesthood was passed down from father to son and even how it was taken away at the time of Moses because of the hardness of their hearts. “This order of priesthood has been on the earth since the beginning, and it is the only means by which we can one day see the face of God and live. (See D&C 84:22.).  He goes on to say “this order is otherwise described in modern revelation as an order of family government where a man and woman enter into a covenant with God—just as did Adam and Eve—to be sealed for eternity, to have posterity, and to do the will and work of God throughout their mortality. If a couple are true to their covenants, they are entitled to the blessing of the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. These covenants today can only be entered into by going to the House of the Lord. Adam followed this order and brought his posterity into the presence of God. He is the great example for us to follow. Enoch followed this pattern and brought the Saints of his day into the presence of God. Noah and his son Shem likewise followed the same pattern after the flood. (D&C 84:23–25.)

I think understanding the history of our fathers even back to the days of Adam help us appreciate what all of them have done for us to help preserve these teachings and blessings from the Lord.   It can help open our eyes and give us greater understanding and thankfulness.   It can even help change our perspective of a beautiful valley,  to a beautiful Holy and temple like place.   How grateful I am for the restoration of the gospel and for the restoring of all the priesthood keys on the earth today.   Without this knowledge and power in my life, I think my life would lack hope, joy and purpose.  I am grateful that we have so many temples so that we can seal families forever and partake of the blessings the Lord wants to bless us with and someday return into His presence.   I hope I can help my family and others come to know the importance of the temple, as I learn more, ponder what I  have learned, and then apply it to my life.    

Religious Freedom Threats

 "From their beginning to their most recent page, the annals of human history reveal the transcendent importance of marriage. The lifelong union of a man and a woman always has promised nobility and dignity to all persons, without regard to their station in life. Marriage is sacred to those who live by their religions and offers unique fulfillment to those who find meaning in the secular realm. Its dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found alone, for a marriage becomes greater than just the two persons. Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations. The centrality of marriage to the human condition makes it unsurprising that the institution has existed for millennia and across civilizations. Since the dawn of history, marriage has transformed strangers into relatives, binding families and societies together. Confucius taught that marriage lies at the foundation of government. This wisdom was echoed centuries later and half a world away by Cicero, who wrote, “The first bond of society is marriage; next, children; and then the family.” (W. Miller transl. 1913). There are untold references to the beauty of marriage in religious and philosophical texts spanning time, cultures and faiths, as well as in art and literature in all their forms. It is fair and necessary to say these references were based on the understanding that marriage is a union between two persons of the opposite sex."  From the Obergefell vs.  Hodges court papers.  

In June of 2015 the 9 supreme court judges "ruled that the fundamental right to marry is guaranteed to same-sex couples by both the Due Process Clause and the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. The ruling meant that all fifty states must lawfully perform and recognize the marriages of same-sex couples on the same terms and conditions as the marriages of opposite-sex couples, with all the accompanying rights and responsibilities".(Wikipedia)

The definition of marriage has been the subject of heated debate in the States. Legislatures have repeatedly taken up the matter on behalf of the People, and 35 States have put the question to the People themselves. In 32 of those 35 States, the People have opted to retain the traditional definition of marriage.  Unfortunately in this court decision all were forced to change what was already decided on by the people.  

The four judges that dissented gave their reasons why and I totally agree.  

Judge Alito said, 

"Today’s decision will also have a fundamental effect on this Court and its ability to uphold the rule of law. If a bare majority of Justices can invent a new right and impose that right on the rest of the country, the only real limit on what future majorities will be able to do is their own sense of what those with political power and cultural influence are willing to tolerate. Even enthusiastic supporters of same-sex marriage should worry about the scope of the power that today’s majority claims."

Judge Roberts said this "By deciding this question under the Constitution, the Court removes it from the realm of democratic decision. There will be consequences to shutting down the political process on an issue of such profound public significance. Closing debate tends to close minds. People denied a voice are less likely to accept the ruling of a court on an issue that does not seem to be the sort of thing courts usually decide. As a thoughtful commentator observed about another issue, “The political process was moving . . . , not swiftly enough for advocates of quick, complete change, but majoritarian institutions were listening and acting. Heavy-handed judicial intervention was difficult to justify and appears to have provoked, not resolved, conflict.”  Indeed, however heartened the proponents of same-sex marriage might be on this day, it is worth acknowledging what they have lost, and lost forever: the opportunity to win the true acceptance that comes from persuading their fellow citizens of the justice of their cause. And they lose this just when the winds of change were freshening at their backs. Federal courts are blunt instruments when it comes to creating rights. They have constitutional power only to resolve concrete cases or controversies; they do not have the flexibility of legislatures to address concerns of parties not before the court or to anticipate problems that may arise from the exercise of a new right. Today’s decision, for example, creates serious questions about religious liberty. Many good and decent people oppose same-sex marriage as a tenet of faith, and their freedom to exercise religion is—unlike the right imagined by the majority— actually spelled out in the Constitution."

Judge Thomas added this comment,"Aside from undermining the political processes that protect our liberty, the majority’s decision threatens the religious liberty our Nation has long sought to protect. The history of religious liberty in our country is familiar: Many of the earliest immigrants to America came seeking freedom to practice their religion without restraint."

We should be worried about this one the most. We need to stand for what we believe.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said this, ""Even as we seek to be meek and to avoid contentions, we must not compromise or dilute our commitment to the truths we understand.  We must not surrender our positions of our values."

He goes on to remind us how we should interact with others especially those we don’t agree with. 

“On the subject of public discourse, we should all follow the gospel teachings to love our neighbor and avoid contention. Followers of Christ should be examples of civility. We should love all people, be good listeners, and show concern for their sincere beliefs. Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious. We should be wise in explaining and pursuing our positions and in exercising our influence. In doing so, we ask that others not be offended by our sincere religious beliefs and the free exercise of our religion. We encourage all of us to practice the Savior’s Golden Rule: “Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12).”

Elder Oaks reminds us of how we should behave when our side isn’t the one that comes out on top. 

“When our positions do not prevail, we should accept unfavorable results graciously and practice civility with our adversaries. In any event, we should be persons of goodwill toward all, rejecting persecution of any kind, including persecution based on race, ethnicity, religious belief or nonbelief, and differences in sexual orientation."

Our prophet also gave us this council, "Social and political pressures to change marriage laws are resulting in practices contrary to God’s will regarding the eternal nature and purposes of marriage. Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared to be immoral. Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.

Brothers and sisters, undergirded by incontrovertible truth, proclaim your love for God! Proclaim your love for all human beings “with malice toward none, with charity for all.”²⁰ They as children of God are our brothers and sisters. We value their rights and feelings. But we cannot condone efforts to change divine doctrine. It is not for man to change."  

A really great speech given by Cathy Ruse that sums all of this up can be hear at this link.  https://youtu.be/xVTHhQhFb8M

Divorce, Is it really the answer?

American Psychological Association reported, "Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher." This rate of divorce has gone up exponentially in the last few decades. So why is the divorce rate so high? I found that the most common reasons people give for their divorce are lack of commitment, too much arguing, infidelity, marrying too young, unrealistic expectations, lack of equality in the relationship, lack of preparation for marriage, and abuse. Elder Dallin H. Oaks an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints counseled this in April 2007. He said "I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts". He goes on to say "We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it." I have witnessed this many times where only one spouse of the marriage is willing to work on things. We can't force anyone to change. You can read the whole talk here https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng  So what can we do to help avoid divorce? There are many things we can do. First, Prioritize your marriage so that you put time and energy into it. Just like a plant needs sunshine, water and good soil to grow so does our marriage need things to help it grow and become strong so that when hard times come along it is able to withstand the winds. Communication is key. If we aren't talking how are we suppose to know what our partner is feeling or needs. A lot of problems or misunderstandings can be solved in life from good communications. Pray together, when you humble yourself before the Lord He will help you become closer as a couple as well as closer with Him. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is for everyone and can help us overcome even the darkest situations. The Atonement gives all of us hope that not all is lost, that we can become more like our Savior and be healed and cleansed. All we have to do is be willing to allow Christ in our lives and to allow Him to change our hearts. Another idea is to keep dating each other, rekindle the feelings of why you fell in love in the first place. Try to keep the idea of divorce out of your mind instead focus on what you can do together to work out any issues. Show honor and respect to your partner. Be the first to say you are sorry and be quick to forgive. Don't live in the past, try to learn from mistakes and move on. Don't hesitate on getting help, there is no shame on talking with someone to help overcome things you are dealing with. Try to see through your partners shoes how they are feeling or what they deal with on a day to day basis. Be appreciative of what they do for you and the family. Gratitude can change your attitude and the feeling in the home. We all like to hear nice things and that we are appreciated, your spouse does too. Be more selfless. Look inward for things that you can change, we can't force others to change. Work together. Elder Oaks said this "I speak briefly to those contemplating marriage. The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through “hanging out” or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection". President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage … means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all.” Children should be thought of as well if contemplating divorce because they are the first victims. Have you ever wondered how much divorce can affect children? One judge who saw the effects divorce had on children developed a school called Kid's Turn. There was an interview done that explained why this school is very helpful for children who have to experience divorce first hand. http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=50&EndCue=601&VideoName=CurrDev_07&VideoType=lectures This concept of helping kids cope and process what is happening to their family is such a great idea. Many times kids don't understand what is going on or they might be afraid to talk about their concerns and fears. The children don't want to upset their parents and so a lot of the time that child feel alone in this process. This school helps them see that there are other kids going through divorces as well. They learn it wasn't their fault and gives them an opportunity to talk about their feelings. It also helps the parents to see and hear how their child is feeling about the divorce. The biggest thing it did was create a way for them to start communicating.

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. you shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.” –F. Burton Howard

This quote above describes how marriage should be viewed, as something special. We need to make sure we are treating it as such. “Tenderness and respect, never selfishness, must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife.” —Howard W. Hunter “True love is a process. True love requires personal action.” —Marvin J. Ashton