Family Relationships

One of the first scriptures in the Old Testament regarding family relationships is found in Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man should leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.  To cleave means to be devoted, attached or faithful and to remain steadfast.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton a member of the quorum of the twelve Apostles clarified the meaning of this scripture as it relates to newly married couples:  He said, “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength …. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

The relationship with in-laws and extended family can be such a blessing and a strength to a marriage but it can also cause a lot of stress or heartache if certain boundaries and respect are not present. 

"Parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly."  I really liked this quote by James Harper and Susanne Olsen.  Their article on creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended family is very informative.  It gave good points on what newly married couples and their families can do to help that new couple have their own identity and the parents and in-laws step into their new roles.  The in-laws or parents can help encourage the couple to create their own identity and help set healthy boundaries so that the couple learns to depend on each other and draw closer.  If they live close or the parents or in-laws are intrusive on their relationship this won’t happen.  This is an important time to add to the foundation of their relationship and will set the grounds for how their relationship will grow in the future.   These relationships can be so beneficial to everyone involved if set with respect and boundaries.  If these relationships are broken or unhealthy, they can cause a lot of stress and heartache. 

In my own marriage one of the things that helped me and my husband develop our own couple identity was moving out of state for our jobs.  This forced us to set these boundaries.  We missed out on many opportunities to be with family so we had to make sure we took the moments when we could.  Living away is hard at times for many reasons, but as I look back I see all the growth we both have had, the closeness we have obtained, and how we have networked ourselves to make friends that are like family.    I am fortunate to have wonderful parents and in-laws.  While dating I made sure that I met and spent time with my husband's family and that he spent time with mine.  Spending time with his family and being in the town and the home that he grew up in helped me to understand him better.  I saw how he treated his parents and siblings and heard of how his childhood was.  This helped us talk a lot about our growing up years and also to talk about how we would like to run our home in the future.  I know many people who don't get along with one or both sides of their families.  This creates negative feelings and a lot of stress.  It can create a wedge in the marriage if both have different points of view or desires for involving their families in their lives.  I feel very blessed to have two families and all the siblings and their spouses and nieces and nephews that are a part of my life.  I feel like they have enriched it with their examples, their love and support and their prayers.  A couple of times I drove my kids up to Canada to see their grandparents and cousins that are on my husband's side of the family by myself, because my husband couldn't get the time off during the summer.  Many people were very perplexed by this.  They were surprised to find out that I like my in-laws and that I felt comfortable going without my husband.  I told them that having a relationship and the influence of both sets of grandparents is very important and so I would do whatever I could to make sure that they had these opportunities.  Harper said this in summary at the end of the article, "Parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one. The good news is that when parents-in-law understand inclusion and exclusion issues, the necessity of monitoring and managing their need for control, the loyalty tugs, and the importance of helping a new couple establish a solid marriage boundary, in-law relationships are improved."  I feel like both my parents and in-laws have done a great job in these areas.  I know there were areas that we had to work on at first to help us all with our new roles and there are a few things that can improved on, but I feel very positive about where our relationship is and where it is going.   One thing that has helped me develop a deeper relationship with both sets of parents is spending time with them and showing them gratitude for all they have done and for the examples they are to me and my familiy.  I appreciate their advice and all the experiences that they share with me.  I love learning from each of them.  They are a strength to me. 

Parenthood

There is much joy when a new child is brought into a family.  With that joy there is hardship, tears, worry, lessons to be learned and many fun times in between.  Children change relationships, some for the better and some it creates more of a challenge.  This article from Richard Miller gave us some great advice to help us make sure our relationship stays strong and avoids certain stresses. Here is the link to read it. https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/414034-Online.2018.Spring.FAML300.01/Course%20Files/Rick%20Miller-Power.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=NuMwetSCKBN9N8K1RA9iA1tfC&ou=414034  

The first thing he mentioned was, parents are the leaders in the family.  Miller cautioned us that this doesn't mean that parents should be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial but should set standards and guidelines and follow through with discipline to help teach the child.  I think a great leader is not afraid to work along side with those who they have stewardship over.  They show direction and lead by example.  Children mimic certain behaviors and how we talk to them and how we treat them will have bigger impacts on these relationships.  Too many parents are letting their kids rule the family and think they are giving their kids all kinds of freedom or they want to be their friend instead of a parent. This creates many problems especially in the future.  The second one was that parents need to be united in their leadership.  This one is crucial because children like to test their limits and if you are not united, they could cause a wedge in your marriage.  It is important to show that respect and unity as a couple to your children so they know their boundaries and are less confused on what is expected of them.  I liked how M. Russell Ballard told of how the brethren reach a decisions.  I think we can do this as parents, take the time to talk about your point of view and come out united in a decision.  I have seen this far too often when both parents have their own style of parenting and the child is confused or can get away with so many things because of the differences.  Usually it ends with a child that gets everything they want and they don't have respect for the authority in the home of one or both parents.  The third thing Miller talked about is how the hierarchy of parent-child dissolves when those children become adults.  This is probably the hardest thing to do once your kids are full grown because the worry and desire for their well being will never go away as a parent.  Your role changes but it still can be a wonderful relationship.  The last thing he mentioned, is that marriage is a partnership.  That both husband and wife are a team and equal partners.  Even though some of their responsibilities are different they function as equal.  I think if the relationship has this viewpoint of being equals and that both have their roles that compliment each other, then the relationship has more chance for success.  This attitude also will help the children raised in the home to see how a marriage should be and they are more likely to follow what examples have been shown unto them. 

I know in my own marriage, we accept each other's different roles and responsibilities but we are not afraid to help each other out.  We have learned how to be united when parenting and are still making adjustments as our kids grow older and new situations arise.  Our kids know that we are on the same page and are less likely to try to pit us against each other to get their way.  It is not easy sometimes but if you have this goal before heading into parenthood you will be better prepared and in turn have more success in parenthood.     

Being completely Faithful in Marriage

A few things were brought to my attention and awareness this week as I was studying. There are many different issues and problems that can destroy a marriage.  I thought that the way Professor Matheson (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng) pointed out how small innocent things with a friend or coworker of the opposite sex can lead us down the path to being unfaithful to our spouse was spot on.  Just like Jane in his story didn't even see what was happening, I think his words could help others who may be headed down this path.  It would help them see the true nature of Satan and how sneaky he is.   I have seen this happen in a few people's lives.  It started as something small and it seemed so innocent and non-threatening at first, but it grew until it destroyed not only one relationship but two.  Satan knows our weaknesses and knows us personally and what would makes us respond.   He wants us to be miserable like he is and he will stop at nothing to destroy our happiness.  I am glad that I had great parents and leaders in my life that taught me to avoid "all appearance of evil" and to not put myself in these situations.   

The next article that hit home for me was the report on pornography.  This evil has affected people that I love.  It has destroyed marriages, affected the children in these relationships as well.  The one that is the hardest to see if that of my husband's sister and our brother in law.  They have been married longer than us.  They struggled to have children for many years and eventually with some help had a son.  Three years later they had triplets.  A year after the triplets were born things started to go down hill with their relationship and eventually he moved out and she has been raising these kids by herself ever since.  Long story short, my sister in law allows him to be apart of the kids' life but each year it gets less and less because of his choices.   The biggest problem (there were many) was his addiction to pornography.  We came to find out he had been dealing with this for a long time and my sister in law was really good at hiding this from everyone.  They are still in the process of getting a divorce because he doesn't see a problem with his addiction.  It is so sad to watch.  She is so strong and while we were talking one time, I asked her how is has the strength to keep going each day.  She told me that the Savior and the Atonement is the only thing that has helped her, along with supportive family and friends.  She said her relationship with the Savior has grown while she has been going through this tough trial.  She is determined to teach her kids about the dangers of pornography so that they will not fall into the same trap as their dad.  It has helped us as a extended family to realize this evil and that we need to teach our kids and empower them to know what it is, what they can do to prevent seeing it or what to do if they do get exposed.  She found a wonderful organization protectyoungminds.org that teaches you how to talk to your kids at any age.  They have a book to help teach and talk to your kids about pornography.  It is called "Good Pictures, Bad Pictures," by  Kristen Jenson and Gail Poyner.   We read this as a family my kids ranging from  age 14 down to 6 and this book helped them all understand in terms that were age appropriate.  It helps them understand how their feeling brain and their thinking brain work together.  It explained what addiction was and how it tricks our brains to believe lies about sexuality and relationships.  I thought it was a great resource and teaching tool.  I feel like it has opened up the communication in our family about this tough subject.   I feel like the world views this issue as normal and that its just a phase, or its just curiosity.  They don't see it as a problem at all.  They don't see the damaging affects it has on relationships and families.   I was grateful for the State of the Nation report research, showing the affects of pornography in marriage because I think if we don't help the world see what damage it can do then those numbers are likely to increase.  The numbers and statistics that they mentioned about it increasing were far worse than I could ever imagine.   There are so many things that are affected by this problem, including the children and society as a whole.  They listed many effects that are potential problems for shaping sexual development as well as future marital and familial relationships.  I am grateful for leaders of the church that are not afraid to address these "secret sins" and to give us warnings and instructions on how to safeguard ourselves and our marriages and our families.  I know if we listen to the prophets voice, learn from the scriptures and do the daily things that will keep us worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost, we will be able to safeguard ourselves, our marriages and our families.  It is when we let go of the rod or drift towards the great and spacious building that we leave ourselves exposed and unprotected from the fiery darts of the adversary.  

There was a lot of great information in this weeks reading.  One thing that impacted me in a positive way was while reading in H. Wallace Goddard's conclusion, when he described his experience as a bishop.  A woman in his ward came to him seeking help with her life.  She had had many problems and tragedies in her life.  At this point in his life he had resisted the possibility of God being able to help him become like God.  He only thought he could do that for others.  This experience changed his views and understanding that God can do this for any one of us.  After the woman had told him of all the past and present problems in her life, she asked what can she do?  He had no answers but the Holy Ghost brought a clear message to his mind to relay to the woman.  There were three things that she need to start with.  This gave her such hope.  Once she left he told of his experience.  He said, "I closed the door behind her and fell to my knees. "Lord, I didn't know.  I just didn't know how much you love your children.  I had no idea you could make something fine out of the mass of confusion that is our lives.  I didn't know."  This experince helped him see the true love that our Father in Heaven has for each of us, even for him.

Do we really see ourselves and others as our Heavenly Father and Savior do?  Do we feel hopeful about the gift our Father has given us out of love, to help us return to Him and ultimately become like Him?  For me I know these things but, I wonder if I always believe this deep in my heart, especially when I have messed up and I can't see a way to repair the damage done or when I feel unworthy of this love.    I have a desire to know this to my very core without a doubt.   I have a desire to see others as our Father see them.  I know this is the only way to obtain true charity in our hearts.  I am going to take Goddard's challenge to try to truly come unto Christ and be perfected in Him.  To obtain true charity towards all mankind.  This should start in the home to those who I love the most.  

As a youth I found a scripture in D&C that has helped me get through a lot of hard times and that kept me looking up and on the bright side no matter how bleak the moment looked.   Goddard quoted this exact scripture in the previous chapter on Consecration.  The scripture is in D&C 78:17-19. It reads, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.  And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more."  

We should be cheerful at the thought that our Father loves us so much and has provided us a way to become like Him.  The Atonement is real and as I learn more and apply it to my life I realize how intricate this gift truly is and how much love is behind it.   What scriptures have helped you in your life? 

Managing Conflicts in our Marriage

The reading this week has been very helpful in viewing any problems in my marriage and has helped me to determine if  they are solvable or if we are going to have to learn to live with them forever.  It gave me some new insights on how I can tell the difference and how I should approach each type of problem.  After reading the chapter on consecration in Wallace Goddard's book titled "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", I realized that I have a long way to go and many areas I need to work on.  I think this starts by truly relying on the Lord and allowing the Atonement to change me and my views.  I think one area I can work on is anger.  A conference talk by Elder Lynn G. Robbins titled "Agency and Anger" Here is the link to read this talk.  https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/414034-Online.2018.Spring.FAML300.01/Course%20Files/Agency%20and%20Anger.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=oywo04Q4tyGDFf1dxY5eopdB2&ou=414034

 I think the world today teaches us that it is okay to be angry and to hold grudges against those who hurt us.  That we are justified in these actions and that it is the other person's problem.  I know I have lost control to anger in my life.  In my experience nothing good ever comes from anger.  You end up hurting others around you and ultimately yourself.  I realized as a youth I would get so angry so fast after I had let many things build up.   Once something broke the lid, everything came out and I didn't understand a healthy way to deal with all the hurt and anger inside of me.  There was a moment where I realized I had a problem.  I asked for my Father in Heaven's help.  It took some time but I was able to keep my anger in check even though I still didn't know how to deal with all of the emotions I experienced in life.  It was after I had children, when they were old enough to talk back or be defiant that it showed up again.  I don't like the person I turn into when I am angry and feel regret immediately for losing my temper.  This is an area I have been trying to work on so that my kids remember me as the happy person I am most of the time and not the "mean mom" as I call my angry side.  I want to show them healthy ways to deal with emotions.  As I was reading Elder Robbins talk it reminded me that it is a choice I make to allow anger to enter my life.  He said that this is part of Satan's cunning plan to make us think we have no control over anger and that we are victims of this emotion.  Elder Robbins continues saying "He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers."

“Can ye be angry, and not sin?” The Lord is very clear on this issue: “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:29–30)".

I realized that I need to work harder on remembering I have a choice on how I react and if I allow anger to enter my life.  I know life isn't fair and there are times when things don't go our way or others are mean or rude to us, but I set a goal to remember I have a choice.  I am in control of my emotions and not the other way around.  I have seen anger and pride ruin some relationships lately and it just breaks my heart when those affected feel justified to being angry and not allowing the forgiveness or humility to enter their hearts.  

Beware of Pride

Chapter 7 of John Gottmans' book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", it talks a lot about letting your spouse influence you.  After reading this, it made a lot of sense to me.  If that spouse doesn't feel like their thoughts, feeling or even ideas matter in their relationship they might stop trying and close themselves off.  There can be no growth and what they might of had in the beginning of the relationship dwindles because it isn't being nourished.  Just like a muscle starts to shrink if not used so does the relationship.   With this I can see how abuse in all forms can happen.  I have read the talk by President Benson before but it was really good to read it again especially with a new perspective on applying it to our marriages.You can read the whole things here  https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/414034-Online.2018.Spring.FAML300.01/Course%20Files/Benson-Pride.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=oywo04Q4tyGDFf1dxY5eopdB2&ou=414034
 He said we have pride when "our will is in competition with God's will.  This allows desires, and passions to go unbridled."  He goes on to say "The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives.  They pit their perceptions of truth against God's great knowledge, their abilities verses God's priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works."  This part hit home for me.  Over the last year I have seen many friends and acquaintances I know fall into this trap called pride.  Whether it was rebellion, being easily offended or hard hearted, they all have questioned what they have know for many years about their belief in the church and also about God.  It is sad to see them let go of the rod of iron and head towards the great and spacious building.  These are people who in the past were rock solid in their testimonies and in their faith in Jesus Christ.  Unfortunately, most of them started to listen to the world and allowed Satan's craftiness into their lives.  Benson mentioned, "The proud aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's".  So many have been caught up in this me mindset.  They say to themselves, I need to be true to myself so I will do things my own way.  They start picking and choosing what parts of the gospel they will adhere to, or they leave the church all together.  They receive praise from the world telling them how strong they are and it just adds fuel to their new path.    They come to care more about what people think, than what God thinks.  It truly breaks my heart, Satan has done such a good job on confusing people on what is truly important and what this earth life is all about.  Satan lies to us  and tells us that we don't need to have a change of heart or even grow and learn to become more like our Father in Heaven because we are fine how we are.  He wants us to forget what was promised to us, that if we follow our Savior and repent, and try to be more like Him, we can have eternal life.    From my youth I remember a story about a frog.  If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water it will immediately jump out because it recognizes the dangers.  If you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly heat the water up to boiling, the frog gets use to the changing temperature and eventually will boil to death.  This is how Satan works his crafty tools of pride.  He adds a little at at time and the world gets used to it and then he adds more.  People start keeping their schedules so busy with things that the world says we need to do, that they stop doing the small and simple things that invite the Holy Ghost to guide and protect us on a daily basis.  When we don't have the spirit it is a lot easier to let go of the rod and get distracted by the great and spacious building.  The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.   Wallace Goddard's chapter on repentance and humility is the key to overcoming pride.  It can be done and I love the examples he gave of people in the scriptures that have overcome pride and humbled themselves before God.  This causes me to reflect on my own life and the different areas where I can improve, where I can humble myself, repent and ask for help from my Father in Heaven.  

Staying Emotionally Connected with your Loved One

  One thing that stood out to me as I was reading in H. Wallace Goddard's book "Drawing Marriage Into Your Marriage", in the 3rd chapter titled "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ", was when he said "Satan knows that faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His redemptiveness are enemies to his cause.  Satan's best hope is to keep us from looking up.  He must keep us fully absorbed with the trivial, fretting over our inconveniences and stewing over our grievances".  He does this in our daily lives with our devices and technology.  Everything is so instantaneous and the world's "its all about me" mentality are some of the Satan's greatest tools to destroying marriages and family.  When we are selfish we can't have charity or compassion for others because we don't even think about them.  This draws us away from Jesus Christ and creates room for Satan to move on in with all of his cunning tools.  John Gottman mentioned technology and how we are a very distracted people.  When we are distracted and are used to interruptions we don't give people our whole undivided attention.  This makes it hard to turn towards our spouses in different ways.  One way is that if we are not focused on them, we might miss a bid for attention or miss when our partner is trying to turn towards us. Another way is that we miss opportunities to turn towards our spouse to show them our love and appreciation.  Most of the time couples ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.  Gottman said that most of the "arguments between couples were not about specific topics like money or sex, but resulted from those failed bids for connection.  Each time partners turn towards each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account.  They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced with a major life stress or conflict".  When we have added to our emotional account each day most of the time these big stressful events or trials won't shake our relationship.  This takes awareness on our part.  We need to be more in tune to our spouse so we can catch the bids of attention or opportunities to turn towards our spouse.   This might take us changing our perspective and not being distracted.  We can do this by small ways each day by thinking of them and what ways we can turn towards them and show them our love and appreciation.  Another way is by putting the Lord first and have an eternal perspective.  This will help our views of our relationship and spouse change.  Our priorities change as well to reflect that view.  Goddard mentioned that "when we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different."  I know that because I have the knowledge of the plan of Salvation and because of the covenants I have made in the House of the Lord my perspective, my goals and my focus are different.  This knowledge gives me hope that my spouse and I can overcome anything that comes our way, only if we have the Lord as our partner and seek His guidance.  Goddard also said "The gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to lift our vision from our own petty and relentless wants to something nobler.  "Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God." (D&C 82:19)  If we were more focused on others, we would be less selfish and more love and kindness would abound in this world.  Goddard said that "it is a matter of replacing irritations with compassion and charity; replacing accusations with humility; replacing frustration with invitation.  When we change our attitude or focus we allow our hearts to be softened and we can obtain the pure love of Christ for our spouse, our family or those around us.  We will see more clearly how the Lord sees us and we will be reminded of the bigger picture of this wonderful plan.