Family Relationships

One of the first scriptures in the Old Testament regarding family relationships is found in Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man should leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.  To cleave means to be devoted, attached or faithful and to remain steadfast.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton a member of the quorum of the twelve Apostles clarified the meaning of this scripture as it relates to newly married couples:  He said, “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength …. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

The relationship with in-laws and extended family can be such a blessing and a strength to a marriage but it can also cause a lot of stress or heartache if certain boundaries and respect are not present. 

"Parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly."  I really liked this quote by James Harper and Susanne Olsen.  Their article on creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended family is very informative.  It gave good points on what newly married couples and their families can do to help that new couple have their own identity and the parents and in-laws step into their new roles.  The in-laws or parents can help encourage the couple to create their own identity and help set healthy boundaries so that the couple learns to depend on each other and draw closer.  If they live close or the parents or in-laws are intrusive on their relationship this won’t happen.  This is an important time to add to the foundation of their relationship and will set the grounds for how their relationship will grow in the future.   These relationships can be so beneficial to everyone involved if set with respect and boundaries.  If these relationships are broken or unhealthy, they can cause a lot of stress and heartache. 

In my own marriage one of the things that helped me and my husband develop our own couple identity was moving out of state for our jobs.  This forced us to set these boundaries.  We missed out on many opportunities to be with family so we had to make sure we took the moments when we could.  Living away is hard at times for many reasons, but as I look back I see all the growth we both have had, the closeness we have obtained, and how we have networked ourselves to make friends that are like family.    I am fortunate to have wonderful parents and in-laws.  While dating I made sure that I met and spent time with my husband's family and that he spent time with mine.  Spending time with his family and being in the town and the home that he grew up in helped me to understand him better.  I saw how he treated his parents and siblings and heard of how his childhood was.  This helped us talk a lot about our growing up years and also to talk about how we would like to run our home in the future.  I know many people who don't get along with one or both sides of their families.  This creates negative feelings and a lot of stress.  It can create a wedge in the marriage if both have different points of view or desires for involving their families in their lives.  I feel very blessed to have two families and all the siblings and their spouses and nieces and nephews that are a part of my life.  I feel like they have enriched it with their examples, their love and support and their prayers.  A couple of times I drove my kids up to Canada to see their grandparents and cousins that are on my husband's side of the family by myself, because my husband couldn't get the time off during the summer.  Many people were very perplexed by this.  They were surprised to find out that I like my in-laws and that I felt comfortable going without my husband.  I told them that having a relationship and the influence of both sets of grandparents is very important and so I would do whatever I could to make sure that they had these opportunities.  Harper said this in summary at the end of the article, "Parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one. The good news is that when parents-in-law understand inclusion and exclusion issues, the necessity of monitoring and managing their need for control, the loyalty tugs, and the importance of helping a new couple establish a solid marriage boundary, in-law relationships are improved."  I feel like both my parents and in-laws have done a great job in these areas.  I know there were areas that we had to work on at first to help us all with our new roles and there are a few things that can improved on, but I feel very positive about where our relationship is and where it is going.   One thing that has helped me develop a deeper relationship with both sets of parents is spending time with them and showing them gratitude for all they have done and for the examples they are to me and my familiy.  I appreciate their advice and all the experiences that they share with me.  I love learning from each of them.  They are a strength to me.