There was a lot of great information in this weeks reading.  One thing that impacted me in a positive way was while reading in H. Wallace Goddard's conclusion, when he described his experience as a bishop.  A woman in his ward came to him seeking help with her life.  She had had many problems and tragedies in her life.  At this point in his life he had resisted the possibility of God being able to help him become like God.  He only thought he could do that for others.  This experience changed his views and understanding that God can do this for any one of us.  After the woman had told him of all the past and present problems in her life, she asked what can she do?  He had no answers but the Holy Ghost brought a clear message to his mind to relay to the woman.  There were three things that she need to start with.  This gave her such hope.  Once she left he told of his experience.  He said, "I closed the door behind her and fell to my knees. "Lord, I didn't know.  I just didn't know how much you love your children.  I had no idea you could make something fine out of the mass of confusion that is our lives.  I didn't know."  This experince helped him see the true love that our Father in Heaven has for each of us, even for him.

Do we really see ourselves and others as our Heavenly Father and Savior do?  Do we feel hopeful about the gift our Father has given us out of love, to help us return to Him and ultimately become like Him?  For me I know these things but, I wonder if I always believe this deep in my heart, especially when I have messed up and I can't see a way to repair the damage done or when I feel unworthy of this love.    I have a desire to know this to my very core without a doubt.   I have a desire to see others as our Father see them.  I know this is the only way to obtain true charity in our hearts.  I am going to take Goddard's challenge to try to truly come unto Christ and be perfected in Him.  To obtain true charity towards all mankind.  This should start in the home to those who I love the most.  

As a youth I found a scripture in D&C that has helped me get through a lot of hard times and that kept me looking up and on the bright side no matter how bleak the moment looked.   Goddard quoted this exact scripture in the previous chapter on Consecration.  The scripture is in D&C 78:17-19. It reads, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.  And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more."  

We should be cheerful at the thought that our Father loves us so much and has provided us a way to become like Him.  The Atonement is real and as I learn more and apply it to my life I realize how intricate this gift truly is and how much love is behind it.   What scriptures have helped you in your life? 

Managing Conflicts in our Marriage

The reading this week has been very helpful in viewing any problems in my marriage and has helped me to determine if  they are solvable or if we are going to have to learn to live with them forever.  It gave me some new insights on how I can tell the difference and how I should approach each type of problem.  After reading the chapter on consecration in Wallace Goddard's book titled "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", I realized that I have a long way to go and many areas I need to work on.  I think this starts by truly relying on the Lord and allowing the Atonement to change me and my views.  I think one area I can work on is anger.  A conference talk by Elder Lynn G. Robbins titled "Agency and Anger" Here is the link to read this talk.  https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/414034-Online.2018.Spring.FAML300.01/Course%20Files/Agency%20and%20Anger.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=oywo04Q4tyGDFf1dxY5eopdB2&ou=414034

 I think the world today teaches us that it is okay to be angry and to hold grudges against those who hurt us.  That we are justified in these actions and that it is the other person's problem.  I know I have lost control to anger in my life.  In my experience nothing good ever comes from anger.  You end up hurting others around you and ultimately yourself.  I realized as a youth I would get so angry so fast after I had let many things build up.   Once something broke the lid, everything came out and I didn't understand a healthy way to deal with all the hurt and anger inside of me.  There was a moment where I realized I had a problem.  I asked for my Father in Heaven's help.  It took some time but I was able to keep my anger in check even though I still didn't know how to deal with all of the emotions I experienced in life.  It was after I had children, when they were old enough to talk back or be defiant that it showed up again.  I don't like the person I turn into when I am angry and feel regret immediately for losing my temper.  This is an area I have been trying to work on so that my kids remember me as the happy person I am most of the time and not the "mean mom" as I call my angry side.  I want to show them healthy ways to deal with emotions.  As I was reading Elder Robbins talk it reminded me that it is a choice I make to allow anger to enter my life.  He said that this is part of Satan's cunning plan to make us think we have no control over anger and that we are victims of this emotion.  Elder Robbins continues saying "He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers."

“Can ye be angry, and not sin?” The Lord is very clear on this issue: “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:29–30)".

I realized that I need to work harder on remembering I have a choice on how I react and if I allow anger to enter my life.  I know life isn't fair and there are times when things don't go our way or others are mean or rude to us, but I set a goal to remember I have a choice.  I am in control of my emotions and not the other way around.  I have seen anger and pride ruin some relationships lately and it just breaks my heart when those affected feel justified to being angry and not allowing the forgiveness or humility to enter their hearts.  

Beware of Pride

Chapter 7 of John Gottmans' book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", it talks a lot about letting your spouse influence you.  After reading this, it made a lot of sense to me.  If that spouse doesn't feel like their thoughts, feeling or even ideas matter in their relationship they might stop trying and close themselves off.  There can be no growth and what they might of had in the beginning of the relationship dwindles because it isn't being nourished.  Just like a muscle starts to shrink if not used so does the relationship.   With this I can see how abuse in all forms can happen.  I have read the talk by President Benson before but it was really good to read it again especially with a new perspective on applying it to our marriages.You can read the whole things here  https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/414034-Online.2018.Spring.FAML300.01/Course%20Files/Benson-Pride.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=oywo04Q4tyGDFf1dxY5eopdB2&ou=414034
 He said we have pride when "our will is in competition with God's will.  This allows desires, and passions to go unbridled."  He goes on to say "The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives.  They pit their perceptions of truth against God's great knowledge, their abilities verses God's priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works."  This part hit home for me.  Over the last year I have seen many friends and acquaintances I know fall into this trap called pride.  Whether it was rebellion, being easily offended or hard hearted, they all have questioned what they have know for many years about their belief in the church and also about God.  It is sad to see them let go of the rod of iron and head towards the great and spacious building.  These are people who in the past were rock solid in their testimonies and in their faith in Jesus Christ.  Unfortunately, most of them started to listen to the world and allowed Satan's craftiness into their lives.  Benson mentioned, "The proud aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's".  So many have been caught up in this me mindset.  They say to themselves, I need to be true to myself so I will do things my own way.  They start picking and choosing what parts of the gospel they will adhere to, or they leave the church all together.  They receive praise from the world telling them how strong they are and it just adds fuel to their new path.    They come to care more about what people think, than what God thinks.  It truly breaks my heart, Satan has done such a good job on confusing people on what is truly important and what this earth life is all about.  Satan lies to us  and tells us that we don't need to have a change of heart or even grow and learn to become more like our Father in Heaven because we are fine how we are.  He wants us to forget what was promised to us, that if we follow our Savior and repent, and try to be more like Him, we can have eternal life.    From my youth I remember a story about a frog.  If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water it will immediately jump out because it recognizes the dangers.  If you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly heat the water up to boiling, the frog gets use to the changing temperature and eventually will boil to death.  This is how Satan works his crafty tools of pride.  He adds a little at at time and the world gets used to it and then he adds more.  People start keeping their schedules so busy with things that the world says we need to do, that they stop doing the small and simple things that invite the Holy Ghost to guide and protect us on a daily basis.  When we don't have the spirit it is a lot easier to let go of the rod and get distracted by the great and spacious building.  The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.   Wallace Goddard's chapter on repentance and humility is the key to overcoming pride.  It can be done and I love the examples he gave of people in the scriptures that have overcome pride and humbled themselves before God.  This causes me to reflect on my own life and the different areas where I can improve, where I can humble myself, repent and ask for help from my Father in Heaven.  

Staying Emotionally Connected with your Loved One

  One thing that stood out to me as I was reading in H. Wallace Goddard's book "Drawing Marriage Into Your Marriage", in the 3rd chapter titled "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ", was when he said "Satan knows that faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His redemptiveness are enemies to his cause.  Satan's best hope is to keep us from looking up.  He must keep us fully absorbed with the trivial, fretting over our inconveniences and stewing over our grievances".  He does this in our daily lives with our devices and technology.  Everything is so instantaneous and the world's "its all about me" mentality are some of the Satan's greatest tools to destroying marriages and family.  When we are selfish we can't have charity or compassion for others because we don't even think about them.  This draws us away from Jesus Christ and creates room for Satan to move on in with all of his cunning tools.  John Gottman mentioned technology and how we are a very distracted people.  When we are distracted and are used to interruptions we don't give people our whole undivided attention.  This makes it hard to turn towards our spouses in different ways.  One way is that if we are not focused on them, we might miss a bid for attention or miss when our partner is trying to turn towards us. Another way is that we miss opportunities to turn towards our spouse to show them our love and appreciation.  Most of the time couples ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.  Gottman said that most of the "arguments between couples were not about specific topics like money or sex, but resulted from those failed bids for connection.  Each time partners turn towards each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account.  They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced with a major life stress or conflict".  When we have added to our emotional account each day most of the time these big stressful events or trials won't shake our relationship.  This takes awareness on our part.  We need to be more in tune to our spouse so we can catch the bids of attention or opportunities to turn towards our spouse.   This might take us changing our perspective and not being distracted.  We can do this by small ways each day by thinking of them and what ways we can turn towards them and show them our love and appreciation.  Another way is by putting the Lord first and have an eternal perspective.  This will help our views of our relationship and spouse change.  Our priorities change as well to reflect that view.  Goddard mentioned that "when we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different."  I know that because I have the knowledge of the plan of Salvation and because of the covenants I have made in the House of the Lord my perspective, my goals and my focus are different.  This knowledge gives me hope that my spouse and I can overcome anything that comes our way, only if we have the Lord as our partner and seek His guidance.  Goddard also said "The gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to lift our vision from our own petty and relentless wants to something nobler.  "Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God." (D&C 82:19)  If we were more focused on others, we would be less selfish and more love and kindness would abound in this world.  Goddard said that "it is a matter of replacing irritations with compassion and charity; replacing accusations with humility; replacing frustration with invitation.  When we change our attitude or focus we allow our hearts to be softened and we can obtain the pure love of Christ for our spouse, our family or those around us.  We will see more clearly how the Lord sees us and we will be reminded of the bigger picture of this wonderful plan.  

Cherishing your Spouse

When I read this passage from Elder Henry B. Eyring's talk titled, "Our Perfect Example", it really summed it up for me.  He said, "Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves.  That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love. The ideal God holds for us is to form families in the way most likely to lead to happiness and away from sorrow. A man and a woman are to make sacred covenants that they will put the welfare and happiness of the other at the center of their lives. Children are to be born into a family where the parents hold the needs of children equal to their own in importance. And children are to love parents and each other."

Elder Eyring described this kind of love that his dad showed his mom during the last part of her life.  He said "I saw this in my parents' marriage. In my mother's final illness, the more uncomfortable she became, the more giving her comfort became the dominant intent of my father's life.  He asked that the hospital set up a bed in her room.  He was determined to be there to be sure that she wanted for nothing.  He walked the miles to work each morning and back to her side at night through those difficult times for her.  I believe it was a gift from God to him that his power to love grew when it mattered so much to her.  I think he was doing what Jesus would have done out of love".  

This week as I was reading chapter 4 & 5 in  John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," I learned a lot about enhancing your love map and how to nurture your fondness and admiration towards your spouse.  There were a lot of questions that you could answer to see how strong your love map is with your spouse and he gave ideas to help strengthen that map.  Included was a game that you could play to see how much you know about your spouse.  This creates an opportunity to learn more about your partner.  In chapter 5 it gave a detailed calendar of what you can do to increase your admiration and fondness for your spouse.  This gave me a lot to reflect on and to figure out the areas where I can improve on.  I feel like my husband and I have a pretty solid love map but there are always areas that we can improve on or add to.  One of the struggles in our marriage is when our kids were little and demanded much of our time, energy and money, we would have a fall back on just staying at home watching something as our dates.  We weren't taking the time to talk and to really date each other.  It is not that we didn't want to but we were both so tired and exhausted at the end of the day.  We would have more arguments because we weren't communicating about what we were feeling or what we might need from each other.  One night I remember we finally took the time to talk to see where we could improve and add variety to our monotonous schedule and rut of dating.  We decided that we missed going out and spending time talking and laughing together.  We made a plan to try to go on real dates more often.  We swapped babysitting so we could attend the temple more often.  For Christmas that year he surprised me with season tickets to our Philharmonic.  It was the perfect thing for us.  For 5 months there was a date on the calendar with a  planned outing.  We looked forward to these nights.  We budgeted for a babysitter and dinner and looked forward to that time to spend together.  We put time into looking nice and getting dressed up for this event.   This small thing helped remind us that we still needed to date each other and to strengthen our relationship if we were to strengthen our family.  To provide a good loving environment for our children and to show them that this is important to keep dating in a marriage.   We have done so much better since that moment.  Life does get busy and sometimes we have to have our date nights at home but we try to do things that will help us nourish our friendship.  I think it has also helped us to look for small ways to show that love and appreciation on a daily basis.  This is true love when we put our spouse's needs and welfare before our own.  As I look back at any argument or fight almost all are from one or both of us being selfish.   We can trace many problems in the world back to selfishness.  That is the natural man, when we only are focused on ourselves.   We need to be more like our Savior Jesus Christ and be selfless and looking for ways to serve and lift others.  Jesus Christ ministered to all those who he came into contact with and each encounter was tailored to that person as an individual.  He did this out of love.  We can follow His example.  We can start by ministering to our spouse first. 

  Here is the link for Elder Eyring's talk  https://web.byui.edu/Services/Login/?RedirectURL=http://www.byui.edu/videoplayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=256%26EndCue=522%26VideoName=2009_10_GenConf_Eyring_perfect%26VideoType=lectures