Behaviors that negatively affect marriage

Before this week I really thought the key to a happy marriage was communication and our ability to work out any problems that might arise.  I was totally wrong according to John Gottman in his book titled "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work".  As I was reading, he talked a lot about friendship and how having a strong friendship was the key to making marriage last.   To me, this makes sense.  If you are good friends you would have already established good communication and the ability to work out differences.  These attributes are a result of a deep friendship.  I knew dating that I wanted to marry my best friend because if I married for looks or circumstances alone, things wouldn't work out so well because everyone knows looks fade and circumstance can change.  Marriage needs to be founded on something deeper, and that is friendship.  Reading his findings from years of research and studying other couples, I realized that I set myself up for a higher chance of a successful marriage, just by marrying my best friend.  As Gottman was describing all the different signs of how we can react to conflict or problems in our marriage.  He talked about the first sign as a harsh start ups where your conversation goes from 0-180 in no time flat.  This will set you up for failure to work out problems.  The second sign is the four horsemen.  The four areas are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and the last one is stonewalling. Criticism usually contains the following statements in the conversation; "you always" or "you never".  You are making it all their fault.  Contempt is when you have a sense of superiority over your partner.  You are putting them down and showing signs of disrespect.  The next one was defensiveness and I think you know exactly what this means.  We feel like we are being attacked and put ourselves on the defensive to protect ourselves.  The last one is Stonewalling where they just shut down completely.  They won't look at you or respond.  They have checked out.   The third sign that Gottman mentions in his book is flooding.  This is when you become physically overwhelmed and feeling defenseless.  The last stage is body language.  Your body goes into overdrive and you can have increased pulse rate and sweating.  You show signs of physical stress.  
I saw a few areas where I can improve or change my point of view or change how I simply respond.  It also helped me see that we are doing well in certain areas or brought to my attention our little quirks that help us deal with stress.  A little background on our relationship.  We met each other in our Paramedic class at Ricks College and we were in class all day, with 20 + credits.  When we weren't in class we were picking up shifts at the ER or riding along with the ambulance.  We practically lived at the school and at the hospital.  We were with our classmates almost 20 hours a day.  Our dates consisted of studying for a test or picking up ER shifts together.  On our internship and during the extra semester we attended, we were able to do more traditional dating.  Through this year and half we saw each other at our best and at our worst.  We learned how different we both are from each other.   We really got to see everything that made us who we are.  We had to deal with conflict and overcome hard times.  We enjoyed many happy moments and experienced situations that strengthened our bond.  I know that if we had gotten married quickly after we met our marriage would not have lasted.  We needed that time to get to know each other and develop a strong lasting friendship first.  Timing was everything and the Lord knew we would need this time and to have these experiences together so that we could have the best chance of having a lasting marriage relationship.  Looking back going through all of these experiences have helped us keep nourishing what is most important in our lives.   We know we will have to continue to work hard each and everyday to defend what is important to us.  I know that we can do this if we put the Lord as the center of our lives and apply the atonement everyday.  I think H. Wallace Goddard hit the nail on the head talking about the Atonement and living a Christ centered life as the key to a happy marriage, in his book titled, "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  Just like we want to be best friends with our spouse we also should strive to have that same deep and close relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ.  When we have that relationship we will become more like him and feel connected to Him through the Holy Ghost on a daily basis.

Eternal Marriage

  While I was reading Ezra Taft Benson’s talk, "What I Hope You Will Teach Your Children About The Temple", I learned something new.  I have read the 107^th section of the Doctrine and Covenants before, but I guess I never really gave it much thought.  The great event that took place 3 years prior to Adam’s death in Adam-ondi-Ahman, helped me learn about the nature of this beautiful place and that most of us as members of the Church of Jesus Christ, have the same desire for our family to enjoy the blessings of the temple as did Adam.  I guess I never really understood how Adam-ondi-Ahman got its name, or never took the time to find out.  My internship as a paramedic was done in Kansas City, Missouri.  My classmates that were there as well, and I, took the opportunity to go see all of the church history sites nearby.  The day that my classmates went to see Adam-ondi-Ahman, I had to work and missed this opportunity.  When they got back they said it was beautiful, but that I didn’t miss much because there was nothing there.   That may have been true about no building or monument being there, but I wonder if they had known the history and what had taken place there, if they would have felt differently about this sacred place.  I hope someday I can return and visit Adam-ondi-Ahman with the new understanding of what took place there. 

 President Benson said, “Adam wanted all of his posterity to enjoy these blessing and to brought before the presence of the Lord.”  This can only be done in the House of the Lord.   We are blessed to have the all the Priesthood keys restored on the earth, in these latter-days.  We all have the opportunity to obtain the blessings of the Temple.  President Benson taught, “In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; “And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; “And if he does not, he cannot obtain it. “He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.” (D&C 131:1–4) When our children obey the Lord and go to the temple to receive their blessings and enter into the marriage covenant, they enter into the same order of the priesthood that God instituted in the very beginning with father Adam. This order entitles them to the same blessings of Abraham, of whom the Lord said that he “hath entered into his exaltation and sitteth upon his throne.” (D&C 132:29.) Then He significantly added: “This promise is yours also, because ye are of Abraham.” (D&C 132:31.) So again I emphasize: This order of priesthood can only be entered into when we comply with all the commandments of God and seek the blessings of the fathers as did Abraham by going to our Father’s house. They are received in no other place on this earth!”

 This is why marriage in the Temple is so important in being able to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father.   President Benson gave a great history of how this priesthood was passed down from father to son and even how it was taken away at the time of Moses because of the hardness of their hearts. “This order of priesthood has been on the earth since the beginning, and it is the only means by which we can one day see the face of God and live. (See D&C 84:22.).  He goes on to say “this order is otherwise described in modern revelation as an order of family government where a man and woman enter into a covenant with God—just as did Adam and Eve—to be sealed for eternity, to have posterity, and to do the will and work of God throughout their mortality. If a couple are true to their covenants, they are entitled to the blessing of the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. These covenants today can only be entered into by going to the House of the Lord. Adam followed this order and brought his posterity into the presence of God. He is the great example for us to follow. Enoch followed this pattern and brought the Saints of his day into the presence of God. Noah and his son Shem likewise followed the same pattern after the flood. (D&C 84:23–25.)

I think understanding the history of our fathers even back to the days of Adam help us appreciate what all of them have done for us to help preserve these teachings and blessings from the Lord.   It can help open our eyes and give us greater understanding and thankfulness.   It can even help change our perspective of a beautiful valley,  to a beautiful Holy and temple like place.   How grateful I am for the restoration of the gospel and for the restoring of all the priesthood keys on the earth today.   Without this knowledge and power in my life, I think my life would lack hope, joy and purpose.  I am grateful that we have so many temples so that we can seal families forever and partake of the blessings the Lord wants to bless us with and someday return into His presence.   I hope I can help my family and others come to know the importance of the temple, as I learn more, ponder what I  have learned, and then apply it to my life.    

Religious Freedom Threats

 "From their beginning to their most recent page, the annals of human history reveal the transcendent importance of marriage. The lifelong union of a man and a woman always has promised nobility and dignity to all persons, without regard to their station in life. Marriage is sacred to those who live by their religions and offers unique fulfillment to those who find meaning in the secular realm. Its dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found alone, for a marriage becomes greater than just the two persons. Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations. The centrality of marriage to the human condition makes it unsurprising that the institution has existed for millennia and across civilizations. Since the dawn of history, marriage has transformed strangers into relatives, binding families and societies together. Confucius taught that marriage lies at the foundation of government. This wisdom was echoed centuries later and half a world away by Cicero, who wrote, “The first bond of society is marriage; next, children; and then the family.” (W. Miller transl. 1913). There are untold references to the beauty of marriage in religious and philosophical texts spanning time, cultures and faiths, as well as in art and literature in all their forms. It is fair and necessary to say these references were based on the understanding that marriage is a union between two persons of the opposite sex."  From the Obergefell vs.  Hodges court papers.  

In June of 2015 the 9 supreme court judges "ruled that the fundamental right to marry is guaranteed to same-sex couples by both the Due Process Clause and the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. The ruling meant that all fifty states must lawfully perform and recognize the marriages of same-sex couples on the same terms and conditions as the marriages of opposite-sex couples, with all the accompanying rights and responsibilities".(Wikipedia)

The definition of marriage has been the subject of heated debate in the States. Legislatures have repeatedly taken up the matter on behalf of the People, and 35 States have put the question to the People themselves. In 32 of those 35 States, the People have opted to retain the traditional definition of marriage.  Unfortunately in this court decision all were forced to change what was already decided on by the people.  

The four judges that dissented gave their reasons why and I totally agree.  

Judge Alito said, 

"Today’s decision will also have a fundamental effect on this Court and its ability to uphold the rule of law. If a bare majority of Justices can invent a new right and impose that right on the rest of the country, the only real limit on what future majorities will be able to do is their own sense of what those with political power and cultural influence are willing to tolerate. Even enthusiastic supporters of same-sex marriage should worry about the scope of the power that today’s majority claims."

Judge Roberts said this "By deciding this question under the Constitution, the Court removes it from the realm of democratic decision. There will be consequences to shutting down the political process on an issue of such profound public significance. Closing debate tends to close minds. People denied a voice are less likely to accept the ruling of a court on an issue that does not seem to be the sort of thing courts usually decide. As a thoughtful commentator observed about another issue, “The political process was moving . . . , not swiftly enough for advocates of quick, complete change, but majoritarian institutions were listening and acting. Heavy-handed judicial intervention was difficult to justify and appears to have provoked, not resolved, conflict.”  Indeed, however heartened the proponents of same-sex marriage might be on this day, it is worth acknowledging what they have lost, and lost forever: the opportunity to win the true acceptance that comes from persuading their fellow citizens of the justice of their cause. And they lose this just when the winds of change were freshening at their backs. Federal courts are blunt instruments when it comes to creating rights. They have constitutional power only to resolve concrete cases or controversies; they do not have the flexibility of legislatures to address concerns of parties not before the court or to anticipate problems that may arise from the exercise of a new right. Today’s decision, for example, creates serious questions about religious liberty. Many good and decent people oppose same-sex marriage as a tenet of faith, and their freedom to exercise religion is—unlike the right imagined by the majority— actually spelled out in the Constitution."

Judge Thomas added this comment,"Aside from undermining the political processes that protect our liberty, the majority’s decision threatens the religious liberty our Nation has long sought to protect. The history of religious liberty in our country is familiar: Many of the earliest immigrants to America came seeking freedom to practice their religion without restraint."

We should be worried about this one the most. We need to stand for what we believe.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said this, ""Even as we seek to be meek and to avoid contentions, we must not compromise or dilute our commitment to the truths we understand.  We must not surrender our positions of our values."

He goes on to remind us how we should interact with others especially those we don’t agree with. 

“On the subject of public discourse, we should all follow the gospel teachings to love our neighbor and avoid contention. Followers of Christ should be examples of civility. We should love all people, be good listeners, and show concern for their sincere beliefs. Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious. We should be wise in explaining and pursuing our positions and in exercising our influence. In doing so, we ask that others not be offended by our sincere religious beliefs and the free exercise of our religion. We encourage all of us to practice the Savior’s Golden Rule: “Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12).”

Elder Oaks reminds us of how we should behave when our side isn’t the one that comes out on top. 

“When our positions do not prevail, we should accept unfavorable results graciously and practice civility with our adversaries. In any event, we should be persons of goodwill toward all, rejecting persecution of any kind, including persecution based on race, ethnicity, religious belief or nonbelief, and differences in sexual orientation."

Our prophet also gave us this council, "Social and political pressures to change marriage laws are resulting in practices contrary to God’s will regarding the eternal nature and purposes of marriage. Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared to be immoral. Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.

Brothers and sisters, undergirded by incontrovertible truth, proclaim your love for God! Proclaim your love for all human beings “with malice toward none, with charity for all.”²⁰ They as children of God are our brothers and sisters. We value their rights and feelings. But we cannot condone efforts to change divine doctrine. It is not for man to change."  

A really great speech given by Cathy Ruse that sums all of this up can be hear at this link.  https://youtu.be/xVTHhQhFb8M

Divorce, Is it really the answer?

American Psychological Association reported, "Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher." This rate of divorce has gone up exponentially in the last few decades. So why is the divorce rate so high? I found that the most common reasons people give for their divorce are lack of commitment, too much arguing, infidelity, marrying too young, unrealistic expectations, lack of equality in the relationship, lack of preparation for marriage, and abuse. Elder Dallin H. Oaks an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints counseled this in April 2007. He said "I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts". He goes on to say "We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it." I have witnessed this many times where only one spouse of the marriage is willing to work on things. We can't force anyone to change. You can read the whole talk here https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng  So what can we do to help avoid divorce? There are many things we can do. First, Prioritize your marriage so that you put time and energy into it. Just like a plant needs sunshine, water and good soil to grow so does our marriage need things to help it grow and become strong so that when hard times come along it is able to withstand the winds. Communication is key. If we aren't talking how are we suppose to know what our partner is feeling or needs. A lot of problems or misunderstandings can be solved in life from good communications. Pray together, when you humble yourself before the Lord He will help you become closer as a couple as well as closer with Him. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is for everyone and can help us overcome even the darkest situations. The Atonement gives all of us hope that not all is lost, that we can become more like our Savior and be healed and cleansed. All we have to do is be willing to allow Christ in our lives and to allow Him to change our hearts. Another idea is to keep dating each other, rekindle the feelings of why you fell in love in the first place. Try to keep the idea of divorce out of your mind instead focus on what you can do together to work out any issues. Show honor and respect to your partner. Be the first to say you are sorry and be quick to forgive. Don't live in the past, try to learn from mistakes and move on. Don't hesitate on getting help, there is no shame on talking with someone to help overcome things you are dealing with. Try to see through your partners shoes how they are feeling or what they deal with on a day to day basis. Be appreciative of what they do for you and the family. Gratitude can change your attitude and the feeling in the home. We all like to hear nice things and that we are appreciated, your spouse does too. Be more selfless. Look inward for things that you can change, we can't force others to change. Work together. Elder Oaks said this "I speak briefly to those contemplating marriage. The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through “hanging out” or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection". President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage … means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all.” Children should be thought of as well if contemplating divorce because they are the first victims. Have you ever wondered how much divorce can affect children? One judge who saw the effects divorce had on children developed a school called Kid's Turn. There was an interview done that explained why this school is very helpful for children who have to experience divorce first hand. http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=50&EndCue=601&VideoName=CurrDev_07&VideoType=lectures This concept of helping kids cope and process what is happening to their family is such a great idea. Many times kids don't understand what is going on or they might be afraid to talk about their concerns and fears. The children don't want to upset their parents and so a lot of the time that child feel alone in this process. This school helps them see that there are other kids going through divorces as well. They learn it wasn't their fault and gives them an opportunity to talk about their feelings. It also helps the parents to see and hear how their child is feeling about the divorce. The biggest thing it did was create a way for them to start communicating.

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. you shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.” –F. Burton Howard

This quote above describes how marriage should be viewed, as something special. We need to make sure we are treating it as such. “Tenderness and respect, never selfishness, must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife.” —Howard W. Hunter “True love is a process. True love requires personal action.” —Marvin J. Ashton