Divorce, Is it really the answer?

American Psychological Association reported, "Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher." This rate of divorce has gone up exponentially in the last few decades. So why is the divorce rate so high? I found that the most common reasons people give for their divorce are lack of commitment, too much arguing, infidelity, marrying too young, unrealistic expectations, lack of equality in the relationship, lack of preparation for marriage, and abuse. Elder Dallin H. Oaks an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints counseled this in April 2007. He said "I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts". He goes on to say "We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it." I have witnessed this many times where only one spouse of the marriage is willing to work on things. We can't force anyone to change. You can read the whole talk here https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng  So what can we do to help avoid divorce? There are many things we can do. First, Prioritize your marriage so that you put time and energy into it. Just like a plant needs sunshine, water and good soil to grow so does our marriage need things to help it grow and become strong so that when hard times come along it is able to withstand the winds. Communication is key. If we aren't talking how are we suppose to know what our partner is feeling or needs. A lot of problems or misunderstandings can be solved in life from good communications. Pray together, when you humble yourself before the Lord He will help you become closer as a couple as well as closer with Him. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is for everyone and can help us overcome even the darkest situations. The Atonement gives all of us hope that not all is lost, that we can become more like our Savior and be healed and cleansed. All we have to do is be willing to allow Christ in our lives and to allow Him to change our hearts. Another idea is to keep dating each other, rekindle the feelings of why you fell in love in the first place. Try to keep the idea of divorce out of your mind instead focus on what you can do together to work out any issues. Show honor and respect to your partner. Be the first to say you are sorry and be quick to forgive. Don't live in the past, try to learn from mistakes and move on. Don't hesitate on getting help, there is no shame on talking with someone to help overcome things you are dealing with. Try to see through your partners shoes how they are feeling or what they deal with on a day to day basis. Be appreciative of what they do for you and the family. Gratitude can change your attitude and the feeling in the home. We all like to hear nice things and that we are appreciated, your spouse does too. Be more selfless. Look inward for things that you can change, we can't force others to change. Work together. Elder Oaks said this "I speak briefly to those contemplating marriage. The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through “hanging out” or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection". President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage … means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all.” Children should be thought of as well if contemplating divorce because they are the first victims. Have you ever wondered how much divorce can affect children? One judge who saw the effects divorce had on children developed a school called Kid's Turn. There was an interview done that explained why this school is very helpful for children who have to experience divorce first hand. http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=50&EndCue=601&VideoName=CurrDev_07&VideoType=lectures This concept of helping kids cope and process what is happening to their family is such a great idea. Many times kids don't understand what is going on or they might be afraid to talk about their concerns and fears. The children don't want to upset their parents and so a lot of the time that child feel alone in this process. This school helps them see that there are other kids going through divorces as well. They learn it wasn't their fault and gives them an opportunity to talk about their feelings. It also helps the parents to see and hear how their child is feeling about the divorce. The biggest thing it did was create a way for them to start communicating.