Family Relationships

One of the first scriptures in the Old Testament regarding family relationships is found in Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man should leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.  To cleave means to be devoted, attached or faithful and to remain steadfast.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton a member of the quorum of the twelve Apostles clarified the meaning of this scripture as it relates to newly married couples:  He said, “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength …. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

The relationship with in-laws and extended family can be such a blessing and a strength to a marriage but it can also cause a lot of stress or heartache if certain boundaries and respect are not present. 

"Parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly."  I really liked this quote by James Harper and Susanne Olsen.  Their article on creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended family is very informative.  It gave good points on what newly married couples and their families can do to help that new couple have their own identity and the parents and in-laws step into their new roles.  The in-laws or parents can help encourage the couple to create their own identity and help set healthy boundaries so that the couple learns to depend on each other and draw closer.  If they live close or the parents or in-laws are intrusive on their relationship this won’t happen.  This is an important time to add to the foundation of their relationship and will set the grounds for how their relationship will grow in the future.   These relationships can be so beneficial to everyone involved if set with respect and boundaries.  If these relationships are broken or unhealthy, they can cause a lot of stress and heartache. 

In my own marriage one of the things that helped me and my husband develop our own couple identity was moving out of state for our jobs.  This forced us to set these boundaries.  We missed out on many opportunities to be with family so we had to make sure we took the moments when we could.  Living away is hard at times for many reasons, but as I look back I see all the growth we both have had, the closeness we have obtained, and how we have networked ourselves to make friends that are like family.    I am fortunate to have wonderful parents and in-laws.  While dating I made sure that I met and spent time with my husband's family and that he spent time with mine.  Spending time with his family and being in the town and the home that he grew up in helped me to understand him better.  I saw how he treated his parents and siblings and heard of how his childhood was.  This helped us talk a lot about our growing up years and also to talk about how we would like to run our home in the future.  I know many people who don't get along with one or both sides of their families.  This creates negative feelings and a lot of stress.  It can create a wedge in the marriage if both have different points of view or desires for involving their families in their lives.  I feel very blessed to have two families and all the siblings and their spouses and nieces and nephews that are a part of my life.  I feel like they have enriched it with their examples, their love and support and their prayers.  A couple of times I drove my kids up to Canada to see their grandparents and cousins that are on my husband's side of the family by myself, because my husband couldn't get the time off during the summer.  Many people were very perplexed by this.  They were surprised to find out that I like my in-laws and that I felt comfortable going without my husband.  I told them that having a relationship and the influence of both sets of grandparents is very important and so I would do whatever I could to make sure that they had these opportunities.  Harper said this in summary at the end of the article, "Parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one. The good news is that when parents-in-law understand inclusion and exclusion issues, the necessity of monitoring and managing their need for control, the loyalty tugs, and the importance of helping a new couple establish a solid marriage boundary, in-law relationships are improved."  I feel like both my parents and in-laws have done a great job in these areas.  I know there were areas that we had to work on at first to help us all with our new roles and there are a few things that can improved on, but I feel very positive about where our relationship is and where it is going.   One thing that has helped me develop a deeper relationship with both sets of parents is spending time with them and showing them gratitude for all they have done and for the examples they are to me and my familiy.  I appreciate their advice and all the experiences that they share with me.  I love learning from each of them.  They are a strength to me. 

Parenthood

There is much joy when a new child is brought into a family.  With that joy there is hardship, tears, worry, lessons to be learned and many fun times in between.  Children change relationships, some for the better and some it creates more of a challenge.  This article from Richard Miller gave us some great advice to help us make sure our relationship stays strong and avoids certain stresses. Here is the link to read it. https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/414034-Online.2018.Spring.FAML300.01/Course%20Files/Rick%20Miller-Power.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=NuMwetSCKBN9N8K1RA9iA1tfC&ou=414034  

The first thing he mentioned was, parents are the leaders in the family.  Miller cautioned us that this doesn't mean that parents should be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial but should set standards and guidelines and follow through with discipline to help teach the child.  I think a great leader is not afraid to work along side with those who they have stewardship over.  They show direction and lead by example.  Children mimic certain behaviors and how we talk to them and how we treat them will have bigger impacts on these relationships.  Too many parents are letting their kids rule the family and think they are giving their kids all kinds of freedom or they want to be their friend instead of a parent. This creates many problems especially in the future.  The second one was that parents need to be united in their leadership.  This one is crucial because children like to test their limits and if you are not united, they could cause a wedge in your marriage.  It is important to show that respect and unity as a couple to your children so they know their boundaries and are less confused on what is expected of them.  I liked how M. Russell Ballard told of how the brethren reach a decisions.  I think we can do this as parents, take the time to talk about your point of view and come out united in a decision.  I have seen this far too often when both parents have their own style of parenting and the child is confused or can get away with so many things because of the differences.  Usually it ends with a child that gets everything they want and they don't have respect for the authority in the home of one or both parents.  The third thing Miller talked about is how the hierarchy of parent-child dissolves when those children become adults.  This is probably the hardest thing to do once your kids are full grown because the worry and desire for their well being will never go away as a parent.  Your role changes but it still can be a wonderful relationship.  The last thing he mentioned, is that marriage is a partnership.  That both husband and wife are a team and equal partners.  Even though some of their responsibilities are different they function as equal.  I think if the relationship has this viewpoint of being equals and that both have their roles that compliment each other, then the relationship has more chance for success.  This attitude also will help the children raised in the home to see how a marriage should be and they are more likely to follow what examples have been shown unto them. 

I know in my own marriage, we accept each other's different roles and responsibilities but we are not afraid to help each other out.  We have learned how to be united when parenting and are still making adjustments as our kids grow older and new situations arise.  Our kids know that we are on the same page and are less likely to try to pit us against each other to get their way.  It is not easy sometimes but if you have this goal before heading into parenthood you will be better prepared and in turn have more success in parenthood.     

Being completely Faithful in Marriage

A few things were brought to my attention and awareness this week as I was studying. There are many different issues and problems that can destroy a marriage.  I thought that the way Professor Matheson (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng) pointed out how small innocent things with a friend or coworker of the opposite sex can lead us down the path to being unfaithful to our spouse was spot on.  Just like Jane in his story didn't even see what was happening, I think his words could help others who may be headed down this path.  It would help them see the true nature of Satan and how sneaky he is.   I have seen this happen in a few people's lives.  It started as something small and it seemed so innocent and non-threatening at first, but it grew until it destroyed not only one relationship but two.  Satan knows our weaknesses and knows us personally and what would makes us respond.   He wants us to be miserable like he is and he will stop at nothing to destroy our happiness.  I am glad that I had great parents and leaders in my life that taught me to avoid "all appearance of evil" and to not put myself in these situations.   

The next article that hit home for me was the report on pornography.  This evil has affected people that I love.  It has destroyed marriages, affected the children in these relationships as well.  The one that is the hardest to see if that of my husband's sister and our brother in law.  They have been married longer than us.  They struggled to have children for many years and eventually with some help had a son.  Three years later they had triplets.  A year after the triplets were born things started to go down hill with their relationship and eventually he moved out and she has been raising these kids by herself ever since.  Long story short, my sister in law allows him to be apart of the kids' life but each year it gets less and less because of his choices.   The biggest problem (there were many) was his addiction to pornography.  We came to find out he had been dealing with this for a long time and my sister in law was really good at hiding this from everyone.  They are still in the process of getting a divorce because he doesn't see a problem with his addiction.  It is so sad to watch.  She is so strong and while we were talking one time, I asked her how is has the strength to keep going each day.  She told me that the Savior and the Atonement is the only thing that has helped her, along with supportive family and friends.  She said her relationship with the Savior has grown while she has been going through this tough trial.  She is determined to teach her kids about the dangers of pornography so that they will not fall into the same trap as their dad.  It has helped us as a extended family to realize this evil and that we need to teach our kids and empower them to know what it is, what they can do to prevent seeing it or what to do if they do get exposed.  She found a wonderful organization protectyoungminds.org that teaches you how to talk to your kids at any age.  They have a book to help teach and talk to your kids about pornography.  It is called "Good Pictures, Bad Pictures," by  Kristen Jenson and Gail Poyner.   We read this as a family my kids ranging from  age 14 down to 6 and this book helped them all understand in terms that were age appropriate.  It helps them understand how their feeling brain and their thinking brain work together.  It explained what addiction was and how it tricks our brains to believe lies about sexuality and relationships.  I thought it was a great resource and teaching tool.  I feel like it has opened up the communication in our family about this tough subject.   I feel like the world views this issue as normal and that its just a phase, or its just curiosity.  They don't see it as a problem at all.  They don't see the damaging affects it has on relationships and families.   I was grateful for the State of the Nation report research, showing the affects of pornography in marriage because I think if we don't help the world see what damage it can do then those numbers are likely to increase.  The numbers and statistics that they mentioned about it increasing were far worse than I could ever imagine.   There are so many things that are affected by this problem, including the children and society as a whole.  They listed many effects that are potential problems for shaping sexual development as well as future marital and familial relationships.  I am grateful for leaders of the church that are not afraid to address these "secret sins" and to give us warnings and instructions on how to safeguard ourselves and our marriages and our families.  I know if we listen to the prophets voice, learn from the scriptures and do the daily things that will keep us worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost, we will be able to safeguard ourselves, our marriages and our families.  It is when we let go of the rod or drift towards the great and spacious building that we leave ourselves exposed and unprotected from the fiery darts of the adversary.